![]() By identifying the underlying purposes, you can see beyond the surface differences and find areas of agreement. People often confuse their strategies (what they want to do) with their purposes (why they want to do it). (a) Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. To find a mutual purpose, you can use the following steps: Finding a mutual purpose can help to bridge the gap between conflicting interests and opinions, and create a common ground for dialogue. Apologizing is a technique that expresses sincere regret for a mistake or offense, and shows willingness to make amends. Contrasting is a technique that clarifies what you don’t intend or mean, and then confirms what you do intend or mean. Restore safety by using contrasting and apologizing.Some of the common conditions that make people feel unsafe are: being attacked, judged, or rejected being misunderstood or ignored being pressured or coerced being excluded or marginalized or being threatened or harmed. Identify the conditions that make people feel unsafe.By checking our stories and emotions, we can ensure that they are based on reality and not on our biases or assumptions. Our stories influence our emotions, which in turn influence our actions. ![]() Our stories are the interpretations and meanings that we assign to the facts and events that we observe. If we notice signs of silence or violence in others, we can adjust our approach accordingly. By observing how others react to our actions, we can gauge whether we are contributing to or detracting from dialogue. Sometimes, we may unintentionally do or say things that make others feel unsafe or threatened, such as using harsh words, making assumptions, or interrupting. Observe the impact of your actions on others.By being aware of these conditions, we can prepare ourselves to handle the conversation more effectively and avoid being caught off-guard. These conditions can trigger our fight-or-flight response and make us act in ways that are counterproductive. A conversation becomes crucial when the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong. Watch for conditions that make a conversation crucial.Knowing your own style under stress can help you to notice when you are getting out of dialogue and take steps to correct it. Everyone has a preferred way of responding to crucial conversations, which may vary depending on the situation and the person. Both silence and violence prevent dialogue and damage relationships. Violence means trying to force or manipulate others, such as controlling, labeling, or attacking. Silence means withholding information or opinions, such as avoiding, withdrawing, or masking. Silence and violence are two ways that people react when they feel unsafe in a conversation. Recognize the signs of silence and violence.Pay attention to your physical, emotional, and behavioral cues, and use them as signals to adjust your approach.When you are out of dialogue, you feel threatened, defensive, and frustrated. When you are in dialogue, you feel safe, respected, and engaged. ![]() Learn to recognize when you are in or out of dialogue.To stay in dialogue, you need to balance confidence and humility, curiosity and assertiveness, and advocacy and inquiry. It allows you to share views, understand others’ perspectives and find common ground. When you are tempted to act on impulses and make poor decisions in the heat of the moment, pause and ask, what you really want and how you can act in a way that supports your goals.This will help you to clarify purpose and avoid getting sidetracked by the distractions. Before you enter a crucial conversation, ask yourself what you hope to achieve and what kind of person you want to be.Here are some of the strategies mentioned in the book: 1. “The only way to get what you want is to help the other person get what they want.”.“The moment you start to feel defensive, you’ve lost.”.“The goal of a crucial conversation is not to win, but to reach a solution that works for everyone involved.”.“The key to better conversations is better listening.”.“The ability to have difficult conversations is the single most important skill in life.”.manage emotions during difficult conversations.negotiate effectively and reach win-win solutions,. ![]()
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